For Me, Forever Ago

love it would be much better untold

2009-05-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

Sooo....I haven't posted my daily readings in a while because I haven't had the chance to get on my computer, but I have been reading and reflecting everyday!!!
Currently, I am OBSSESSED with a lovely man named devendra banhart. He is folky and makes wonderful music. The title of this entry is a line from one of my favorite songs...he looks like a younger version of charles manson, and I think he's beautiful (not because of who he resembles lol)
I am in a wierd mood today, not sure why. I had to go speak at a middle school today and I told them my drug history and what not, and this woman was like well no one can relate to that and its scary and I feel like your trying the scare tactic. I was a bit offended, and I explained that I wasn't trying to use the scare tactic and that if they were going to use drugs they would and my story is the reality of what happened to me. Maybe this is why I'm in a wierd mood...emotionally drained. But anyways the whole thing wasn't all awful just that part.well I've been typing this on my phone and its wierding tom out so I'm done for the day.

Letting Go of Fear

2009-05-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious.
It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in war relay on fear to help them survive. but now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can creat a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

As my close family is aware, I have dealt with anxiety and anger for a long time now.I have recently started doing anger management, and there I have learned that my anxiety drives my anger. Because I can't fight the anxiety the easy way out is to get angry, because it makes me feel powerful. I believe my anxiety stems from alot of fear I have in everyday life. Things that I shouldn't be afraid of. Things like fear of losing my job, being late, not being able to reach out and help someone else. I have fear that I will be alone, and fear that no one will love me.
These are tough things for me to deal with, and instead of dealing with them in a healthy way, I push them away which plants the seed for anger. It is true in my own life that peace and serenity is uncomfortable. I don't know if I have ever felt at peace or serene. Even the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable, based on the fact that I've been living with fear, anxiety, and anger for the last couple years of my life. Just because I got clean doesn't mean that I will have peace and serenity. Which is definitely what I thought when I first started going to NA. I thought that just by being there, in the room, with other addicts that understand me and my addiction, would bring me peace and serenity. Now that's not to say that I don't feel peace and serenity during an actual NA meeting, because I do get to feel that for an hour. but it's about carrying that with me, to the outside world, and understanding what it means to be serene and live in peace.
It's a tough journey, but one day I will know what it's like to feel serene and have peace in my life. There will be a day when I no longer feel anxious, and overwhelmed by anger.

The language of letting go

2009-05-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

So this past christmas my wonderful grandmother gave me a book called "The Language of Letting Go." It has a reading for everyday of the year and I've recently started to pick it up again. I decided since I never post on here anymore, I will try my hardest everyday to reflect on the passage that was given for the day.

So, with that said, Today's passage is called "Feeling Good"

Make yourself feel good.
It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.
We dont have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, excercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.
When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.
Let's stop denything ourselves good feelings and stat doing things that make us feel good.

Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will creat a good feeling for me. If I'm uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.

Things that do make me feel good are being with my friends, meetings, and painting/drawing. These are the three things that work EVERYTIME. Now, I do like to experiment with other things that could make me feel good. Just today, I decided I was going to go for a walk. Then I decided I didn't want to go. So I sat there and debated back and forth until finally I started walking out of my driveway. Well then I decided I should take my dog with me too, since she needs excercise also. But again, I decided maybe I shouldn't. So finally, I turned around, went back inside, got the dog, and walked to the end of the road and back. And it did feel wonderful, especially after all the debating I did with myself. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I will strive to take a walk everyday, like I did last year.
I'm also trying to get my work schedule changed so I have friday and Saturday off, and so far I'm not sure how that is going. If I had those days off, I would be able to go to the MC2 meeting at Second Growth (which is a "deeper" making change meeting) and I would be able to go to NA, which Fridays were my old home group. I'm ready to start working on some steps, and I really hope that I can get this schedule change.
I often try to make myself feel good about something everyday, because if I didn't, then I know I would start to get inside my head, and feel like shit. I have alot to be grateful for today, and I will do anything it takes to keep it that way.

The days are longer....but getting easier....

2009-02-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

Well, things are going pretty good lately. Except that I am dealing with a possible Identity Theft =( This process is super long and annoying and wish this man would leave my identity alone!!!!
Work is going good, I worked six days this past week, this is my only day off, and then I work six more. I don't mind, the money is good.

ALSO! I am doing this commercial for my uncle that will be broadcasted on YouTube. (I know, I will now be a youtube movie star, pathetic right?) I will be rather embaressed about it, but hopefully it will be alright. haha. Anyways, just a quick update to let everyone who actually reads this (Like my cousins fiance, colen mae!!!) I'll post soon!

Sad, Confused....devastated.

2009-02-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

Josh and I broke up on Monday, and it blows. We weren't getting along very good, and so when I got home Monday morning I asked him what he was going to do to be happy within himself, not including me, because if he can't find inner happiness the relationship will suffer. SO one thing led to another, and he told me he's been doing drugs for two months behind my back. I got up, told him to pack his shit and leave, and then I left. I went and got Kristin and we came back home after he left to pack his stuff. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he would do something like that, knowing it's essentialy my whole life. Work and personal life revolve around recovery for me and he knew that. and to make matters worse, he got some of pills off Nate!!!! I was really pissed about that at first, but I know that it isn't Nates fault, Josh should of never asked him.
So now there is no trust. I was one hundred percent faithful, and never decieved him. I am heartbroken, and don't know what to do with that. It sucks sitting in this room, with NOTHING but a couch and a little TV, sleeping in HIS bed, until he comes and gets it. It was scary knowing that for two months he was bringing my drug of choice into my parents house, regardless if he was using them here or not. If I was to find those when I was having a bad day, that could of been the end of my own recovery.

I've been praying for him. and for those of you who know me well, you know that that is a big thing for me. I pray that he will realize he has an addiction, get help, find happiness, and be the great person I know he is. I ask that who ever reads this also prays for him, because he's an addic that is suffering, and he needs to realize the powerlessness over his addiction.

It's My Monday...

2009-02-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

Enough Said.

Second shift is kicking my ass, but I enjoy the job so much that I don't care if it takes me a whole year to get used to it. haha. Tomorrow I'm leaving work for three hours to go meet "The Board" from Second Growth and some Doctors at DHMC. I get to talk to them about recovery and all that good stuff.

I'm to tired to write about anything else, and there isn't much else to say...or maybe my brain just doesn't function at 12:30 in the morning. =)

New Years.....Resolutions??

2009-01-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

Me and Kristin showing off our "buns of steel" haha

Now, I usually never have a "New Year Resolution" because I don't trust myself to follow through with them haha. But this year, I decided to get "in shape" because although I appear to be in ok shape, I get winded walking up the damn stairs. (thanks in part to my lovely nicotine addiction) And I have been doing alright so far. Today I went to a small gym at a local Inn with three of my friends. We all lifted weights and did some running. It was alot of fun, but it kicked my ass. The good thing is that we got to relax in a hot tub after, and tread in the pool. When I'm alone I will ride my sweet bicycle thing that I got off the side of the road and do some sit ups, and that usually kills me too. But I'm not giving up, because I would love to be in shape again.

Yucky weather

2009-01-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well the weather is dreadful. I was driving home on the interstate and went sideways. It was pretty scary but thankful I made it home all in once piece. Josh and I have been bakers the past few days, using the bread maker my grandmother gave Josh for Christmas. It is delicious bread but it takes SOOO long to make. Like three hours. But it makes the house smell delicious and theres nothing like eating a slice of homeade bread.

I have recently realized how this is the first time I think in the length of my recovery that I haven't hung out with people who actively use. (well...not completely there are a few people but I dont hang out with t hem that often) My point is more along the lines of how much recovery based work I do everyday. I work as a recovery aide at a rehab, and a mentor at Second Growth. My sister just celebrated one year of sobriety, and Josh is working on five months. It's such a nice feeling, and it's also very overwhelming. My job at the rehab is hard work, emotionally and mentally. Being surrounded by kids that either don't want recovery or just don't understand it is very difficult. It makes me very grateful for my own. I just have so much hope for these kids and the sad thing is that probably a majority of them will relapse once they leave. But I pray for them and anyone else who suffers from addiction.

Another thing that makes me grateful is the "tree man" Josh and I watched a documentary on him the other day. He was such a genuine guy and was so happy that a doctor from the U.S was willing to try and help him. His hands and feet were completely covered in these branch-like horns. He couldn't work to support his family and it made him really sad. But when he went through all his surgeries and treatments his family was there to support him. It was just a really interesting thing to watch and reminded me about how grateful I am to be where I am and have the family that I do.

And the Holiday is OVER

2008-12-29T08:43:00.001-08:00

Well, Christmas and all the caos that comes with it is finally over. I do love christmas, but I have a hard time handling the stress that comes with it. being unemployed since October up until recently has been tough when it comes to buying gifts. Thankfully, I got a check every other week from being a mentor, and cleaning mom and Grandmas house has been helping out also.

Family Christmas I wasn't in the best of moods in the beginnning. My cousin who has a drinking problem called my sisters phone early that morning while we were cleaning her house. He said he wanted to talk to me and told me that he just had a month sober. I couldn't even fake being happy, beause I knew he was lying to me. Just two weeks ago while I was with Sam gettin Grandmas gift kyle was with her and he smelled like a bar, and was clearly drunk. Josh confronted him and asked why he was still drinking, and Kyle said that he only has an occasional beer once in a while. I find that hard to believe because an occasional beer doesn't stink up an entire area like he did at that store.

So I was going to pick him up to bring him to family christmas and confront him about this (he has lost his license as a result of TWO DWIs) but nate said that I shouldn't because I will just end up yelling at him and it would ruin the day for the both of us. So I picked him up and had to hide my anger and deal with it internally. I tried not to talk to him much, because I was very hurt and angry.

Thankfully today I got to see my girls and talk to them about my feelings towards him. They reminded me that I did the same exact thing before I got clean, and now I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I try to accept that and do talk about that part of it, but I am very hurt and worried about him and his drinking. I was told to put my feelings aside, and let him know I love him, and am here for him when he needs it. I just don't want to be taken advantage of, and it's hard to see where to set my boundaries to keep me and my recovery safe.

He knows that I would do anything in my power to help him reach the gift of recovery. I want him to get it so bad, and realize that he doesn't need alcohol to cope with his feelings and his life. I remember times when I could go to him for anything, and we had a great relationship. Now he avoids me, my mom, and my dad. Even now that he is trying to hide his drinking from the family he has stopped going to Sam and Nates, because it was just a place for him to drink. My heart aches for him, and I wish he would get it, but I know just as well as any other person struggling with addiction, you don't always get it right off. and I also now that lying is one of the "prizes" that comes with addiction. I will pray to the thing that is higher than me for his safety and for him to realize his problems and get the help his needs.

God, Grand me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

First day

2008-12-10T08:30:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I had my first day at my new job. It was ALOT of information to retain, but thankfully they said I wasn't expected to remember all of it right away. Thank God. All the kids there asked me a ton of questions, and I didn't know what I was supposed to answer and what I wasn't supposed to answer because no one told me. (until later when I had a discussion about boundaries) So anyways, they asked me how old I was and I told them, and a woman who works there said I Shouldn't have told them because they are saying they won't listen to me. I'm not to worried about it- I want to give them hope and courage, but I also want respect in return. I am super excited to go back, which will be on Friday. I even got a badge and some keys! haha, which only unlock a closet and a room that the kids aren't aloud in. I got a bunch of papers and a manual to study for my apprenticeship. This is the work I want to do for my career, and I'm excited that I got this opportunity.

LONG DAY!

2008-12-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

Today Sam, Nate, and I went "tree chopping." We decided that because of the recession, and because it's more fun, that we should just cut down our own christmas trees. It was really cold but alot of fun. We went out to Clarks Pond and cut down Sam and Nates tree than came back home to eat some lunch. after lunch we decided that we should try and look up the road from our house, once we found a place to pull over, we slid on the ice into a ditch! This wouldn't have been so bad if I was driving my own jeep, but I was driving my Dads truck, something I've done before but I'm not great at it because it's got like three gears. To make matters worse, there was an old asshole hunter staring at us trying to get out the whole time. He came over, said something, and then walked away to watch from the distance. Than another hunter came and he was also rude to us. He locked in the hubcaps to make life easier, than went on his way to murder a helpless deer. So needless to say, we were all super embaressed. BUT I did end up getting out, with Sam and Nate pushing me, but we made it.
Than I realized how the old asshole hunter probably thought that we were going up there to get high, and not cut down a lovely christmas tree. I felt super judged, something that I can't fix, but it still bothered me. I don't like the fact that this man sees three young people out in a truck, then drive into a ditch, just to turn around and leave, and assume we were there to get high or drink. I know that he can't tell that I myself have been clean for over three years, and that my sister is almost at her one year, but the feeling of being judged SUCKED!

So other than that, life is good. Josh is out bowling with his other employees, and it's difficult for me. I could have gone, but I didn't want to seem like I didn't trust him, and he never does anything without me, so I thought this was a good opportunity for me to work on my "bad thoughts" while he gets to learn how to have fun without me. =( what a drag. It wouldn't be so bad but this girl that just started working there ALWAYS flirts with him, and it drives me up the wall. Mom and Sam say that I shouldn't worry because Josh loves me, but I've been walked all over before, and I'm scared it will happen again. Not that I don't trust Josh, because I do 100 percent, it's my mind that speaks louder than my heart. Which isn't fair to him, and I beat myself up everytime I have to ask if she flirted with him today. UGH! I hate having to ask, and I shouldn't, but something inside me overpowers that and asks anyways. Josh has never done anything to break my trust, but I just have so much love for him I'm afraid he'll find something in her that I lack. I can't be perfect, and he loves me regardless of that, and that's why I love him. But as the day got closer and closer for him to go out without me, even with that girl, some how I felt peace with the fact. I think that I thought about it so much, that I'm having a reverse thought about it....if that makes sense. I trust him, that's what I keep telling myself, which is good, because I'm starting to notice a tad bit of difference in my thought process.

Testing out my BLOG

2008-12-05T12:10:00.001-08:00

Well, I just wanted to test out to see if my blog....is well, I guess amazing.