Sooo....I haven't posted my daily readings in a while because I haven't had the chance to get on my computer, but I have been reading and reflecting everyday!!!
Currently, I am OBSSESSED with a lovely man named devendra banhart. He is folky and makes wonderful music. The title of this entry is a line from one of my favorite songs...he looks like a younger version of charles manson, and I think he's beautiful (not because of who he resembles lol)
I am in a wierd mood today, not sure why. I had to go speak at a middle school today and I told them my drug history and what not, and this woman was like well no one can relate to that and its scary and I feel like your trying the scare tactic. I was a bit offended, and I explained that I wasn't trying to use the scare tactic and that if they were going to use drugs they would and my story is the reality of what happened to me. Maybe this is why I'm in a wierd mood...emotionally drained. But anyways the whole thing wasn't all awful just that part.well I've been typing this on my phone and its wierding tom out so I'm done for the day.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Letting Go of Fear
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious.
It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in war relay on fear to help them survive. but now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can creat a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
As my close family is aware, I have dealt with anxiety and anger for a long time now.I have recently started doing anger management, and there I have learned that my anxiety drives my anger. Because I can't fight the anxiety the easy way out is to get angry, because it makes me feel powerful. I believe my anxiety stems from alot of fear I have in everyday life. Things that I shouldn't be afraid of. Things like fear of losing my job, being late, not being able to reach out and help someone else. I have fear that I will be alone, and fear that no one will love me.
These are tough things for me to deal with, and instead of dealing with them in a healthy way, I push them away which plants the seed for anger. It is true in my own life that peace and serenity is uncomfortable. I don't know if I have ever felt at peace or serene. Even the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable, based on the fact that I've been living with fear, anxiety, and anger for the last couple years of my life. Just because I got clean doesn't mean that I will have peace and serenity. Which is definitely what I thought when I first started going to NA. I thought that just by being there, in the room, with other addicts that understand me and my addiction, would bring me peace and serenity. Now that's not to say that I don't feel peace and serenity during an actual NA meeting, because I do get to feel that for an hour. but it's about carrying that with me, to the outside world, and understanding what it means to be serene and live in peace.
It's a tough journey, but one day I will know what it's like to feel serene and have peace in my life. There will be a day when I no longer feel anxious, and overwhelmed by anger.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious.
It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in war relay on fear to help them survive. but now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can creat a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
As my close family is aware, I have dealt with anxiety and anger for a long time now.I have recently started doing anger management, and there I have learned that my anxiety drives my anger. Because I can't fight the anxiety the easy way out is to get angry, because it makes me feel powerful. I believe my anxiety stems from alot of fear I have in everyday life. Things that I shouldn't be afraid of. Things like fear of losing my job, being late, not being able to reach out and help someone else. I have fear that I will be alone, and fear that no one will love me.
These are tough things for me to deal with, and instead of dealing with them in a healthy way, I push them away which plants the seed for anger. It is true in my own life that peace and serenity is uncomfortable. I don't know if I have ever felt at peace or serene. Even the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable, based on the fact that I've been living with fear, anxiety, and anger for the last couple years of my life. Just because I got clean doesn't mean that I will have peace and serenity. Which is definitely what I thought when I first started going to NA. I thought that just by being there, in the room, with other addicts that understand me and my addiction, would bring me peace and serenity. Now that's not to say that I don't feel peace and serenity during an actual NA meeting, because I do get to feel that for an hour. but it's about carrying that with me, to the outside world, and understanding what it means to be serene and live in peace.
It's a tough journey, but one day I will know what it's like to feel serene and have peace in my life. There will be a day when I no longer feel anxious, and overwhelmed by anger.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The language of letting go
So this past christmas my wonderful grandmother gave me a book called "The Language of Letting Go." It has a reading for everyday of the year and I've recently started to pick it up again. I decided since I never post on here anymore, I will try my hardest everyday to reflect on the passage that was given for the day.
So, with that said, Today's passage is called "Feeling Good"
Make yourself feel good.
It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.
We dont have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, excercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.
When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.
Let's stop denything ourselves good feelings and stat doing things that make us feel good.
Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will creat a good feeling for me. If I'm uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.
Things that do make me feel good are being with my friends, meetings, and painting/drawing. These are the three things that work EVERYTIME. Now, I do like to experiment with other things that could make me feel good. Just today, I decided I was going to go for a walk. Then I decided I didn't want to go. So I sat there and debated back and forth until finally I started walking out of my driveway. Well then I decided I should take my dog with me too, since she needs excercise also. But again, I decided maybe I shouldn't. So finally, I turned around, went back inside, got the dog, and walked to the end of the road and back. And it did feel wonderful, especially after all the debating I did with myself. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I will strive to take a walk everyday, like I did last year.
I'm also trying to get my work schedule changed so I have friday and Saturday off, and so far I'm not sure how that is going. If I had those days off, I would be able to go to the MC2 meeting at Second Growth (which is a "deeper" making change meeting) and I would be able to go to NA, which Fridays were my old home group. I'm ready to start working on some steps, and I really hope that I can get this schedule change.
I often try to make myself feel good about something everyday, because if I didn't, then I know I would start to get inside my head, and feel like shit. I have alot to be grateful for today, and I will do anything it takes to keep it that way.
So, with that said, Today's passage is called "Feeling Good"
Make yourself feel good.
It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.
We dont have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, excercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.
When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.
Let's stop denything ourselves good feelings and stat doing things that make us feel good.
Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will creat a good feeling for me. If I'm uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.
Things that do make me feel good are being with my friends, meetings, and painting/drawing. These are the three things that work EVERYTIME. Now, I do like to experiment with other things that could make me feel good. Just today, I decided I was going to go for a walk. Then I decided I didn't want to go. So I sat there and debated back and forth until finally I started walking out of my driveway. Well then I decided I should take my dog with me too, since she needs excercise also. But again, I decided maybe I shouldn't. So finally, I turned around, went back inside, got the dog, and walked to the end of the road and back. And it did feel wonderful, especially after all the debating I did with myself. Now that the weather is getting warmer, I will strive to take a walk everyday, like I did last year.
I'm also trying to get my work schedule changed so I have friday and Saturday off, and so far I'm not sure how that is going. If I had those days off, I would be able to go to the MC2 meeting at Second Growth (which is a "deeper" making change meeting) and I would be able to go to NA, which Fridays were my old home group. I'm ready to start working on some steps, and I really hope that I can get this schedule change.
I often try to make myself feel good about something everyday, because if I didn't, then I know I would start to get inside my head, and feel like shit. I have alot to be grateful for today, and I will do anything it takes to keep it that way.
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