And the Holiday is OVER

Well, Christmas and all the caos that comes with it is finally over. I do love christmas, but I have a hard time handling the stress that comes with it. being unemployed since October up until recently has been tough when it comes to buying gifts. Thankfully, I got a check every other week from being a mentor, and cleaning mom and Grandmas house has been helping out also.

Family Christmas I wasn't in the best of moods in the beginnning. My cousin who has a drinking problem called my sisters phone early that morning while we were cleaning her house. He said he wanted to talk to me and told me that he just had a month sober. I couldn't even fake being happy, beause I knew he was lying to me. Just two weeks ago while I was with Sam gettin Grandmas gift kyle was with her and he smelled like a bar, and was clearly drunk. Josh confronted him and asked why he was still drinking, and Kyle said that he only has an occasional beer once in a while. I find that hard to believe because an occasional beer doesn't stink up an entire area like he did at that store.

So I was going to pick him up to bring him to family christmas and confront him about this (he has lost his license as a result of TWO DWIs) but nate said that I shouldn't because I will just end up yelling at him and it would ruin the day for the both of us. So I picked him up and had to hide my anger and deal with it internally. I tried not to talk to him much, because I was very hurt and angry.

Thankfully today I got to see my girls and talk to them about my feelings towards him. They reminded me that I did the same exact thing before I got clean, and now I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I try to accept that and do talk about that part of it, but I am very hurt and worried about him and his drinking. I was told to put my feelings aside, and let him know I love him, and am here for him when he needs it. I just don't want to be taken advantage of, and it's hard to see where to set my boundaries to keep me and my recovery safe.

He knows that I would do anything in my power to help him reach the gift of recovery. I want him to get it so bad, and realize that he doesn't need alcohol to cope with his feelings and his life. I remember times when I could go to him for anything, and we had a great relationship. Now he avoids me, my mom, and my dad. Even now that he is trying to hide his drinking from the family he has stopped going to Sam and Nates, because it was just a place for him to drink. My heart aches for him, and I wish he would get it, but I know just as well as any other person struggling with addiction, you don't always get it right off. and I also now that lying is one of the "prizes" that comes with addiction. I will pray to the thing that is higher than me for his safety and for him to realize his problems and get the help his needs.

God, Grand me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

First day

So yesterday I had my first day at my new job. It was ALOT of information to retain, but thankfully they said I wasn't expected to remember all of it right away. Thank God. All the kids there asked me a ton of questions, and I didn't know what I was supposed to answer and what I wasn't supposed to answer because no one told me. (until later when I had a discussion about boundaries) So anyways, they asked me how old I was and I told them, and a woman who works there said I Shouldn't have told them because they are saying they won't listen to me. I'm not to worried about it- I want to give them hope and courage, but I also want respect in return. I am super excited to go back, which will be on Friday. I even got a badge and some keys! haha, which only unlock a closet and a room that the kids aren't aloud in. I got a bunch of papers and a manual to study for my apprenticeship. This is the work I want to do for my career, and I'm excited that I got this opportunity.

LONG DAY!

Today Sam, Nate, and I went "tree chopping." We decided that because of the recession, and because it's more fun, that we should just cut down our own christmas trees. It was really cold but alot of fun. We went out to Clarks Pond and cut down Sam and Nates tree than came back home to eat some lunch. after lunch we decided that we should try and look up the road from our house, once we found a place to pull over, we slid on the ice into a ditch! This wouldn't have been so bad if I was driving my own jeep, but I was driving my Dads truck, something I've done before but I'm not great at it because it's got like three gears. To make matters worse, there was an old asshole hunter staring at us trying to get out the whole time. He came over, said something, and then walked away to watch from the distance. Than another hunter came and he was also rude to us. He locked in the hubcaps to make life easier, than went on his way to murder a helpless deer. So needless to say, we were all super embaressed. BUT I did end up getting out, with Sam and Nate pushing me, but we made it.
Than I realized how the old asshole hunter probably thought that we were going up there to get high, and not cut down a lovely christmas tree. I felt super judged, something that I can't fix, but it still bothered me. I don't like the fact that this man sees three young people out in a truck, then drive into a ditch, just to turn around and leave, and assume we were there to get high or drink. I know that he can't tell that I myself have been clean for over three years, and that my sister is almost at her one year, but the feeling of being judged SUCKED!


So other than that, life is good. Josh is out bowling with his other employees, and it's difficult for me. I could have gone, but I didn't want to seem like I didn't trust him, and he never does anything without me, so I thought this was a good opportunity for me to work on my "bad thoughts" while he gets to learn how to have fun without me. =( what a drag. It wouldn't be so bad but this girl that just started working there ALWAYS flirts with him, and it drives me up the wall. Mom and Sam say that I shouldn't worry because Josh loves me, but I've been walked all over before, and I'm scared it will happen again. Not that I don't trust Josh, because I do 100 percent, it's my mind that speaks louder than my heart. Which isn't fair to him, and I beat myself up everytime I have to ask if she flirted with him today. UGH! I hate having to ask, and I shouldn't, but something inside me overpowers that and asks anyways. Josh has never done anything to break my trust, but I just have so much love for him I'm afraid he'll find something in her that I lack. I can't be perfect, and he loves me regardless of that, and that's why I love him. But as the day got closer and closer for him to go out without me, even with that girl, some how I felt peace with the fact. I think that I thought about it so much, that I'm having a reverse thought about it....if that makes sense. I trust him, that's what I keep telling myself, which is good, because I'm starting to notice a tad bit of difference in my thought process.

Testing out my BLOG

Well, I just wanted to test out to see if my blog....is well, I guess amazing.