Well, Christmas and all the caos that comes with it is finally over. I do love christmas, but I have a hard time handling the stress that comes with it. being unemployed since October up until recently has been tough when it comes to buying gifts. Thankfully, I got a check every other week from being a mentor, and cleaning mom and Grandmas house has been helping out also.
Family Christmas I wasn't in the best of moods in the beginnning. My cousin who has a drinking problem called my sisters phone early that morning while we were cleaning her house. He said he wanted to talk to me and told me that he just had a month sober. I couldn't even fake being happy, beause I knew he was lying to me. Just two weeks ago while I was with Sam gettin Grandmas gift kyle was with her and he smelled like a bar, and was clearly drunk. Josh confronted him and asked why he was still drinking, and Kyle said that he only has an occasional beer once in a while. I find that hard to believe because an occasional beer doesn't stink up an entire area like he did at that store.
So I was going to pick him up to bring him to family christmas and confront him about this (he has lost his license as a result of TWO DWIs) but nate said that I shouldn't because I will just end up yelling at him and it would ruin the day for the both of us. So I picked him up and had to hide my anger and deal with it internally. I tried not to talk to him much, because I was very hurt and angry.
Thankfully today I got to see my girls and talk to them about my feelings towards him. They reminded me that I did the same exact thing before I got clean, and now I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I try to accept that and do talk about that part of it, but I am very hurt and worried about him and his drinking. I was told to put my feelings aside, and let him know I love him, and am here for him when he needs it. I just don't want to be taken advantage of, and it's hard to see where to set my boundaries to keep me and my recovery safe.
He knows that I would do anything in my power to help him reach the gift of recovery. I want him to get it so bad, and realize that he doesn't need alcohol to cope with his feelings and his life. I remember times when I could go to him for anything, and we had a great relationship. Now he avoids me, my mom, and my dad. Even now that he is trying to hide his drinking from the family he has stopped going to Sam and Nates, because it was just a place for him to drink. My heart aches for him, and I wish he would get it, but I know just as well as any other person struggling with addiction, you don't always get it right off. and I also now that lying is one of the "prizes" that comes with addiction. I will pray to the thing that is higher than me for his safety and for him to realize his problems and get the help his needs.
God, Grand me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Jenn, I'm glad you told us you have a personal blog and I hope you continue to post. Stay strong for Kyle, even though he has not been completely truthful with you, because he still needs your (our) support. I'm sure it's hard to know where the boundary is to help keep yourself from getting taken advantage of, but you have been so awesome in your own recovery that I'm sure you will continue to be a great resource and friend to Kyle, Sam, and all the others you strive to help. You're so strong, don't ever back down.
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